Chaos

Chaos

My brain is chaotic today.  I’m not sure why.  Because of it this blog just might be all over the place.  This chaos day isn’t necessarily good nor bad.  It’s just a lot of thoughts, old and new in my brain rattling around.  Perhaps I am just over thinking my day.

External chaos is a bit of an art to perfect.  When my kids were young and there were friends and cousins in and out daily, I think I had external chaos perfected.  It never annoyed me to have 10 people in and out of my house.  I tried to enjoy every minute realizing that my kids were going to grow up and leave and my house would be empty.  Unfortunately, that happened. 

Now I have 4 grandchildren to come in and out of my house.  Regardless, it’s never going to be the same as it was with my kids.  I was fortunate to have liked their friends.  I was fortunate to be close to nieces and nephews.  I am still extremely fortunate to have some of my kids friends still in contact with me.  I consider many of them my “kids”.

External chaos in my house is long gone.  I miss it every day.  I miss hearing about my kids’ days.  I miss cooking for everyone. 

Chaos does occur in my brain occasionally.  I am not aware of any trigger really.   These are days that I reminisce and remember fun times.  I think about what issues people I care about are having.  I try to put random things into perspective My brain jumps from thought to thought with no rhyme or reason.  

I learned many years back through therapy to write these thoughts down.  This is supposed to allow me to move on from them for the moment and revisit them.  I suppose this technique works for the most part.  It allows me to put them on the proverbial shelf. 

I am a natural “fixer” and on some level, realize that I can’t fix everything for everyone.  Nor can I have my kids as teens again.  When my kids were babies that was my favorite stage in their lives.  When they were school age, that was my favorite, then teens.  I guess the reality is that I loved my kids every step of the way. 

I guess for now with my kids, extra kids, and nieces and nephews, I will greet them with open arms and treasure their every stage of life.  With the chaotic thoughts, I will continue to write them down and take time to put them into perspective.