Divorce and Parenting 

Divorce is a commonality in many families.   When I was a child my parents divorced.  I certainly would not be in the minority today, as I was in the 60’s and 70.’s.  Truth be told, had I not been raised in a single parent household as a result of a divorce, my first marriage may have ended in one.  I think, or maybe I know that.   I was determined that I was not going to do that to my kids.

I give a lot of credit to divorced families who can co-parent.  I’m sure that it’s a struggle.  Where there are egos, there is a possibility of trouble.  I know a family who co-parented successfully.  They would have dinner together once a week.  All the parents, kids, step kids, everyone.  They would all schedule the week’s events, talk about issues and bond.  I found that to be impressive. 

There is a term that many people are unfamiliar with.  Parent alienation.  This is when a situation in which a child, on an ongoing basis, belittles and insults one parent without justification.  One parent minimizes the importance of the other parent in the attempt to “kill off” the other parent. 

There are common traits that seem to occur when parental alienation is happening.  The child views the alienating parent as the good and honest parent and expresses only negative feelings toward the target parent who is seen as all bad.  

The child denies being coached or influenced by one parent.  The child presents the criticism as their own ideas. Negativity extends to the targeted parent’s extended family.   Often the child is made to feel like they are protecting one parent from the other.  This leads to the child’s contempt, hatred and rejection toward the target parent are based on frivolous and unwarranted reasons.   Successful cases of parent alienation results in the child consistently rejects one parent and refuses to have contact with them. 

Parent alienation happens far more frequently than you might think.  Unfortunately, the parent who is being targeted often believes that is they don’t respond to these attacks, the children will come to an understanding.  This is often because the parent who is coaching the kids is making the kids think that the parent is mean and out of control with their temper.

These parents who poison their kids from knowing the other parent do a complete injustice to the kids.  It is sad that any child is raised believing that the other parent doesn’t care for their children.  Can a child be raised and be a healthy adult believing that one parent is useless?

As an adult it occurred to me that I never heard my mom say a negative word about my dad.  Never.  Not once.  I see now how classy that was on her part.  I’m sure at times she had to bite her tongue, but she did what she had to do to not influence negatively about our dad.  My dad, for the most part, did the same.

In the end, divorce is in most cases hard on the children in the family.  They are the innocent sufferers of their parent’s issues.  I wish all divorced parents could set aside their own issues and work to raise their kids with all of the love and positivity they can.