Control. 

Are we ever in control or is saying that we are in control is just a way to make ourselves feel good about ourselves?  I have always felt that I was in control.  After all, I was a wife, a mom.  I was in control of everything, breakfast, lunch, dinner, cleaning, everything.  That meant that I was obviously in control.  Years passed and I always assumed that I was the control-freak fix everything in the family.

The kids were growing and I was being needed less to navigate my family.  Eventually, I found myself completely flailing.  I was in control of nothing and no one.  I even lost the ability to take care of myself.  I was unmotivated.  I was content being home and doing nothing.  I don’t know that I felt as though I was depressed.  I don’t think I was.  I was more undefined than anything.

Mind you, I still had plenty in my life to keep me busy.  My mom was living with me. I had a job. There were plenty of things to keep me busy. 

This was a strange place for me to be.  I was always chirpy, social, friendly.  In fact, I never really was a fan of being alone but now I was quite happy in my house, in my bedroom, with my television.

I remember realizing on some level that I was out of control.  I remember taking a tablet with me and writing ideas that were popping through my head.  I could not shut my brain off.  No matter what I did, nothing worked.  I could have a glass of wine before bed.  It didn’t help.  At one point, I woke up in a local hospital, in mental health.  Meantime at home, I was a missing person.  I apparently signed myself in using my maiden name.  Considering my first name is Theda, you would think that the police would have caught on.  

I know that I was taken by ambulance.  I got a bill.  I essentially slept for 2 days.  I woke up feeling great.  Oddly enough, I liked mental health.  You didn’t have to do anything other than go see a Psychiatrist and therapist every day.  I realized that I could be ok not being in control of everything that I thought I needed to control.  It was determined that I had virtually no potassium in my system as a result of a blood pressure medication that I was on.  Apparently, goofy things happen without potassium.

Time passed.  I do still think that we all need to see a therapist, or at least have someone to talk to.  Life gets tough. Life gets confusing.  Life gets out of control for everyone.   We all need to remember change is constant.  We all need to remember to breathe.